Diary Entry: Guard No. 2914

Archivist Note: Diary entry found in standard possessions sweep of Barracks No.3

“The sweetest price he’ll have to pay, the day the whole world went away.”

Its funny, I used to listen to songs like this all the time, songs about loss and the end of the world, which I’d listen to and almost feel excited about something like that happening. Now whenever I hear them all these songs seem a bit crass and inappropriate. I’ve still got my MP3 player, it was in my pocket when the big one started and when the desire takes me and of course when I can acquire the suitable battery I skip past these apocalyptic songs and listen to the more positive tunes, spending a few minutes in a more innocent time, at least more cheerful. A morbid and increasingly active part of me wonders whether any of those dark song writers are still alive, I wonder how they’re dealing with their dream coming true, maybe they were ready all along and their attitude and words were genuine rather than some mysterious routine.

You end up thinking about these sorts of things quite a lot when to have less entertainment than you’re used to. Not that I haven’t got used to life here, if you can that is. I’m kept busy with work, trying to guard everyone else and supply runs into the black zones. After that you’re then kept busy with recovering from what you saw, sometimes what you had to do or what you didn’t do. Then as you’re being decontaminated and being humiliated and prodded and checked for infection your mind tends to drift, subconsciously trying to avoid the subject of the severely confusing hand life has dealt you, and like most hands in life you haven’t been told the rules first.

It’s probably moments like this that leads to everyone thinking and wondering. They all come up with opinions which they seem so intent on sharing with one another. The religious ones mostly think it’s a punishment from god for mankind’s decadence or separation from whichever god that person believes in. I’m not that religious, nor am I an atheist but it seems that if god wanted to punish mankind he would’ve done it a lot sooner and probably more completely. The religious debate raises the question “why was I saved?” Believers of all sorts died just like everyone else. They then say “God has a plan for you,” but as far as I can see it, he could’ve chosen a better servant.

If it was a direct winnowing of the weak from the strong then it would make sense, choosing the strong to lead mankind into the future. Maybe we are the strong. As far as I can tell its all just chance, luck and quite possibly genetics, not that we know for sure, there aren’t any geneticists in the white zones, not in ours anyway, nor the one contacted. That said, they seem to have gone rather quiet recently.

These “White zones” the government’s label trying to hide the obvious fact they were just as taken by surprise as the rest of us. I am not suggesting they’re not a good idea of course. If you want to keep mankind alive you should keep a defensive perimeter against infection. Whether you want to keep mankind alive is another question entirely and I’m sure I’ll give my uninformed and probably incorrect opinion on the matter soon enough.

The government is of course very much mankind surviving and their opinion matters, right? Their authority seems to come from people’s memories and habits from before this all started and their methods seem rather old and stale. Perhaps I shouldn’t complain I doubt I could do better. I doubt there is much choice on the matter, protect people, search for survivors and supplies and of course they’ve supplied us each with a lovely gun and a shiny badge in an attempt to suspend our morality and I think its working on some of us.

I can’t help but think that there is a better way to live. I agree with what their doing I just don’t think they really have the right or authority to dictate what I do. I don’t mind doing what I do if I have to, I’d just prefer to be the one to choose it. It’s a matter of principle, pointless and maybe a little short sighted but that’s what makes us humans.

Anyway, the black zone is calling us, though it seems a lot greener than black, nature seems to be enjoying herself. I’m glad someone is.

Personal Account: White Zone Citizen No. 2713 "R. Darkshines"

And so afterwards it all seemed a bit surreal. At first we had the newspapers telling us about a strange new virus and how people had to take precautions. Most people just shrugged it off as another scare, like SARS or Swine Flu. But thats the trouble when the media keeps crying wolf, when the Big One does come, no-one believes anymore. So yeah, there were stories in the newspapers, then the radio broadcasts started. Hourly shows about how to avoid infection, what to do if a family member dies, the latest outbreaks. Then the press stopped. The papers stopped printing, the radio switched to white noise, no more public service announcements. I heard that some people from Roath went down to London to see what was going on, but they didn't come back. That was four years ago.

Of course I miss my family, who wouldn't? My next door neighbour lost her child, went looking for him outside in the Black Zone. I heard the screams, but I just shut the curtains.

I don't want to go and look for them. If they are alive and safe, then thats great. If they are not alive, well, at least they have two choices....

I scavenge what I can. Food isn't a problem, well, it might be in a few years but we were sensible. Every time we ate something with seeds in, we'd plant them. To be honest, I had been planning something like this all my life. I always felt that when the media and literature talked about the Fin De Siecle, about the degeneration of society, that this time round it might be true. I mean look at the Ancient Egyptians, and the mighty Romans. They too had great empires that collapsed under mysterious circumstances, didn't they? Maybe it happened to them as well.

Its harder being a girl as well. The boys get drafted, get trained, get given weapons to defend us. I'm expected to stay where I am, scavenge some kind of existence from the little thats left. I hate it. I want to fight as well, I know I would be good in combat, but women are rare nowadays, and they need the last of us to survive. I think the idea is that when its safe again, once the infection stops, or dies out or they find a cure, we wil be used for breeding a new society. I'm amazed anybody would want my genes to be honest, and I have no idea how they plan to go about it anyway. Do they just line up all the soldiers outside your room and let them in one by one? Hideous.

I know he's out there somewhere. This is his dream come true. I know he is alive, pobably having the time of his life as well. I hope he still thinks about me, like I think about him. We were going to get married one day. I was going to wear a dress, for once. I haven't even seen a dress since this all started. I do love him, but I cried all my tears a long time ago, and I feel like I am wasting precious energy when I could be trying to survive. I have seen what happens to the weak.

Perhaps one day I will get bored, and go somewhere else. It's dangerous to leave the White Zones but I am young and restless. I have no family left, at least none here, and the other half of my soul is out there, fighting for us, making a difference. I know I am a precious commodity, but so is our freedom. Maybe I can find a way to stop all of this. Maybe I could make a difference as well. All I know is, sitting around waiting for the end is pointless. I want to go and find my begining.